


Dying inside

by FreyaDuLac



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-14 01:49:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11772975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreyaDuLac/pseuds/FreyaDuLac
Summary: I’m smiling but I’m dying inside...





	Dying inside

**Author's Note:**

> Used song: Dying inside by Gary Barlow

_How can I make sure no one notices me?_  
_I don't wanna conversation with nobody_.  
_And it hurts too much to say how I feel_  
_What you don't know, is all I know_.  
_How can I make sure that I fool everyone?_

\- Don't you feel dizzy? - Arthur asked, looking at his servant, who was putting the laundry.

\- Why? - Merlin answered on question with a question and rubbed his arm. It was hurting still, even with Gaius' tonic. That was quite powerful spell, it would need time to heal, like always. Like every wound.

\- I don't know... maybe because you were in the tavern all night? - Arthur looked at him with anger. Oh yes. Gaius probably said that he was in tavern again. Well, Merlin should get used to that. On begining that was annoying, that Arthur always thought that he spent his night in tavern, but now... It was better this way. Merlin didn't want to know what Arthur would do if he knew the truth, that Merlin was risking his live again to save Camelot. How his little, clumsy manservant could be saving his kingdom, he probably would thought, and then when he would figured out that Merlin is warlock, he would kill him. Merlin liked to think that Arthur wouldn't do that. One side of coin cannot truly hate that what makes it whole. He wanted to think that way, but he saw on his own eyes how Arthur's heart is hardened against magic.... and it was mostly Merlin's doing.

\- No... I don't have hangover. - Merlin answered simply, focused on his work.

\- Good.  - Arthur accepted his answer without asking. Probably he thought that if Merlin spent every night in tavern he have strong head to alcohol. He didn't think about that He'd never saw Merlin drinking or drunk... it was easier. Lies were easier.

 _Gonna wear a suit and tie and put my bravest face on_  
_And it’s far too deep to show you this wound_  
_It won't heal no time soon_  
_Nobody knows what I’m going through_

\- We are going to hunt tommorow after breakfast, so don't be late. - Arthur added and he rose from his table and patted Merlin's arm. Merlin bit his lips, he wanted to hiss with pain, but he couldn't. Arthur left the room without noticing anything. Merlin sighed hard and shrugged off his jacket and went to the mirror. He took of his neckerchief pulled away his shit from his arm, and looked at his wound from burn. When it will change into scar it will be merge with scar after Nimueh's fireball. There was no place on his body which was not covered with scars, but it was nothing. Scars on his body were nothing comparing to scars on his soul. He put his jacket and neckerchief on and returned to his chores.

 

 _I’m dying inside_  
_Who knows what I’m thinking_  
_What I’m trying to hide_  
_Yeh I’m dying all night_

After all day of working, he returned to his small chamber. He sat on his bed and sighed. He looked at wall against him. There were gouges in the wall, made with knife. Each one represented his failure. First one he did after he returned from Ealdor, after Will death, as reminder. Now it was his wall of shame. Reminder of every day when he wasn't strong enough, when he should be better. He is Emrys! Most powerful magic user! And... yet... it was not enough. He couldn't save them. Will... his first friend. First person who accepted his magic. Who didn't believe that he is freak, monster. Freya... his beautiful Freya. He should find a way to change her fate. To lift her curse. He promised to keep her safe. He broke that promise. Balinor, his father. He could learn from him so many things... probably he would survive that blade, his magic would keep him alive, but Balinor wasn't him, he couldn't survive that. He shouldn't tell him that he is his son, probably he would be still alive and probably could return to his mother. But it was only 'probably', because of him. Morgana... Dragon.... it was list without end. List of his failures. 

_ I’m breathing but I can't feel life  
I’m smiling but I’m dying inside _

It was hard, to find a reason to get up from bed every morning. He looked at the window after another sleepless and saw the sunrise, but he wasn't strong enough to get up. He wanted to lay there all day. After few minutes he rose anyway, he had to. This is his work, his life, his destiny... sometime he hates this word. That his life was foretold long time ago and everything was planned. He felt like puppet on destiny great act and he knows something about his role so not always he can improvise but he doesn't know everything. It was terrible.  


\- Merlin! You will be late again! - he heard Gaius' voice. 

\- I'm coming! - he answered and left his room, he gave Gaius warm smile and then he ran to the kitchen to take Arthur's breakfast. 

_How can I make sure I’m invisible_  
_Or find just a simple phrase that may say it all_  
_Cos it’s far too soon and not the right time_  
_What I’ve seen was for my eyes_  
_And how can I make sure no one worries for me_

They went hunting, Merlin was far too tired to disturb the killing of animals. He didn't like that knights find joy in killing for sport, but he really stoped care about that. So he just stayed behind. Arthur even complemented that! That he is making progress or something like that, but Merlin didn't listen. They were hunting not far away from Lake of Avalon. He didn't want to go there, but they were going in that direction. When knights saw the lake, Gwaine  whistled at the view. Yeah it was amazing, no matter of season, this lake always looked wonderful. But it was another reminder of his mistakes. It was grave of Freya and Lancelot.

\- Merlin, are you ok? - he heard Leon's voice. Merlin shook his head and looked at knight. 

\- Yeah, I'm fine. - simple lie. - It is just... nice view. - he answered. 

\- Don't be such a girl Merlin! - Arthur shouted and laughed. 

\- Only when you stop being a prat. - Merlin answered with smile, knights smiled too. It was normal for King and his manservant, they ignored that and returned to making camp. Only when stopped looking at Merlin, his smile disappeared.

  
_’Cos I don't need helping hand and don't want sympathy_  
_Don't know what I need but know what I don't_  
_What you can't see it feels so broke_  
_That you can't see is how I’ll cope_

 

 - Merlin... what did happen? - Gaius asked, looking at his ward siting at stairs. Gaius knew more than everyone, but even he didn't know how Merlin was feeling. Nobody could understand that. That burden. It was beyond them. 

\- Nothing... - Merlin whispered and rubbed his face with hands. - I'm just tired, that was long day.

Another lie. Yeah, he was tired, but that was not about the day. He was tired of his life. Of lying, of hiding, of suffer.

\- I will go to my room, I need sleep. - Merlin added after a while and without waiting for answer he went to his room, closed the door and sat on his bed. He knew that he could tell Gaius about everything, but he didn't want to worry him. His guardian probably knew that something is wrong, but Merlin couldn't tell him. Because he would understand, he would be worry, he would talk with Merlin about it... he didn't want that. He didn't want that people felt pity on him. He wasn't weak.... he was just tired.

_I’m dying inside_   
_Who knows what I’m thinking_   
_What I’m trying to hide_   
_Here I’m dying all night_   
_I’m breathing but I can't feel life_   
_I’m smiling but I’m dying inside_

Even in his dreams he couldn't find relief. He had nightmares. Always. Every night when he was sleeping. He was seeing Arthur's death. His the worst nightmare. He spend all life protecting him, knowing that he is destined to die and there is nothing that Merlin can do about it. No, he will change that. He will change Arthur's destiny. There had to be a way. When he woke up in the middle of the night, he was thinking about his nightmare. Maybe he should find and kill Mordred? That could be an option. Merlin didn't realise that sun rised, he did that when he heard Gaius' voice again, telling him that he is late... again. He wore his goofy smile and left his chamber. 

  
_Want everyone around to think that I’m alright_   
_Hope they assume_   
_I’ve left the dark and found the light_   
_Want them to think that I don't cry myself to sleep at night_   
  


\- Merlin, what do you think about Sefa? - Queen asked with smile, when she was eating her breakfast with Arthur. King looked at her with suprise.

\- She... is nice? - Merlin answered, when he was cleaning the floor. He didn't care about Sefa, he had to think a while to firgure out who Sefa even is. He knew that she is Gwen's maidservant, but he sometime forgot that there is someone else than Arthur, Gwen, Gaius and Knights in Camelot. All his life was focused on them.

\- Maybe you two should spend some time together? - Gwen suggested and Arthur almost choked. Merlin realised what Gwen is trying to do. She is so good soul, he want to make everyone happy, but she didn't know what it is far to late for Merlin. His life purpouse was keeping her husband alive, nothing more. Family was not for him. He started to think about Freya. What would happened if he left Camelot with her. Abandon his destiny. They would have small house next to the lake, children... wonderful dream. But dreams never come true.

\- Maybe... I will think about it. - Merlin answered, knowing that if he would say hard 'no' it would be supsected. Gwen smiled and Merlin returned to cleaning the floor.

_Here I’m dying inside_   
_Who knows what I’m thinking_   
_What I’m trying to hide_   
_Here I’m dying all night_   
_I’m breathing but I can't feel life_   
_I’m smiling but I’m dying inside_


End file.
